We All Talk To Ourselves: Why Self-Talk Is Worth Noticing

We all talk to ourselves. I don’t necessarily mean out loud. I mean the internal conversation happening in our minds throughout the day.

“Should I do this?”

“I don’t think I can handle that.”

“I need to calm down.”

“I can figure this out.”

“I’m proud of how I handled that.”

“I’m so behind.”

Some of these thoughts are practical. Some encourage us. Others are worried, critical, impatient, or self-defeating. And a lot of them happen so quickly that we barely notice them. That internal dialogue is what I mean when I talk about self-talk.

Self-Talk Is Part Of Everyday Thinking

We use self-talk when we make decisions, work through problems, imagine what might happen next, replay conversations, respond to stress, or try to understand how we feel. Sometimes we notice the thought first. Other times, we notice the feeling first. You may suddenly feel embarrassed, anxious, irritated, discouraged, or down, and only later realize what you were telling yourself in that moment.

Maybe it was:

“They think I can’t do this.”

“I always mess things up.”

“I’m not good enough.”

“I should be doing better.”

In cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, quick thoughts like these are often called automatic thoughts. They can show up without much effort or planning.

But just because a thought shows up automatically doesn’t mean it’s completely accurate. Sometimes a thought is reasonable. Sometimes it contains part of the truth. Other times, it may be an assumption, prediction, exaggeration, or harsh judgment. That’s why it helps to notice what you’re actually telling yourself.

Self-Talk Can Influence How You See Yourself

One difficult thought doesn’t define you. But when the same kind of message keeps showing up, especially when it’s reinforced by strong emotion or repeated experiences, it can start to feel familiar and believable. “I made a mistake” can become: “I’m bad at this.” And over time: “I’m not capable.” This is where self-talk can begin to connect with deeper beliefs about who we are.

In CBT, these deeper ideas are often called core beliefs. They are broader beliefs or conclusions we carry about ourselves, other people, or the world. Some common ones sound like:

“I’m not good enough.”

“I’m a failure.”

“People don’t like me.”

“I’m behind.”

“I’m unlovable.”

Core beliefs can be shaped by many things, including family, culture, school, relationships, criticism, expectations, repeated experiences, and experiences we have later in adulthood too. They develop over time and in the context of our lives. And they’re worth looking at, especially when they begin influencing how we see ourselves now.

Negative Self-Talk Doesn’t Happen In A Vacuum

I think it’s important not to reduce everything to mindset. The way we think can also be affected by what’s happening in the rest of our lives and in our bodies. Sleep matters. Stress matters. Pain and illness matter. Hormonal changes can matter. Medications and substances can matter. Relationships, work, parenting, finances, grief, and major life changes can matter too.

Depression and anxiety can also affect how we interpret ourselves and what’s happening around us. So if your thinking suddenly becomes much more negative, I wouldn’t automatically assume you simply need to “think more positively.” I’d want to understand the whole picture.

What changed?

When did it start?

How are you sleeping?

How are you feeling physically?

How are you feeling emotionally?

What’s happening around you?

That’s part of how I think about mental health as both a psychiatrist and psychotherapist. Our thoughts matter, but they’re also influenced by what’s happening in our bodies and in our lives.

The Goal Isn’t Positive Thinking

It’s not about replacing every uncomfortable thought with something cheerful. If you made a mistake, you may need to acknowledge it. If something hurts, you may need to feel it. If there’s a real problem, you may need to solve it. The goal is to notice what you’re telling yourself and ask whether it’s accurate, helpful, and proportional to what actually happened.

“I made a mistake” may be true. “I ruin everything” is a much bigger conclusion. Those are not the same thing.

Start By Noticing

Before trying to change your self-talk, it helps to become aware of it. When you notice a shift in your mood, a strong reaction, or a moment when you’re being especially hard on yourself, ask, “what just went through my mind?” You don’t have to fix the thought right away. Notice it first.

Over the next several weeks, I’ll write more about how self-talk connects with beliefs, identity, confidence, motivation, depression, anxiety, relationships, parenting, mistakes, avoidance, rumination, sleep, medications, and physical health. We’ll also get into what you can do with a negative thought once you notice it.

For now, pay attention to how you’re talking to yourself. You may start noticing patterns that have been there for a long time, but that you’ve never really stopped to examine.

(General education only, not personalized medical advice)